the guy who thinks he's mature because he's 30!

Luckily enough, I got spoiled by my brother's friends over the weekend.
I got a taste of the vibe in Cape Town.
Somewhere during the fun, I came across what appeared to be a decent gentleman and later turned out to be a perverted, julius-loving, imbecile later.
I still feel disgusted. I'm so tired of men!

I know I'm young and everybody thinks
I'm saying that just because
I'm a modern, model-c, educated, mild-feminist
whose culture and roots have been diluted
by westernization and whose mind has been
so completely brain-washed as to think that black men
should court a woman by appealing to her mind
through mild charm and light flattery,
silly debate and some deep insight
rather than appealing to her to remedy
the heat she causes in the flesh between his legs...

I'm sick of men!
The kind of men, and there are far too many of them actually,
who think that because they are forever playing the game of chase
women SHOULD ALWAYS be flattered by their sheer interest.
Well excuse me, if the feeling isn't mutual!

It is shocking how many men complain that
we women are rude to stick our noses up
and claim to have standards when THEY approach us
with poorly-constructed, foul-stinking, perverted phrases
that are fully saturated with shameless lust
and boast thier crass confidence
- gained through the success they have had in getting the random lay.

I WILL NOT APOLOGISE FOR BEING ONE WOMAN WHO WANTS SOMETHING SMART and INTRIGUIGING but SUBTLE AND DECENT! ESPECIALLY, TO ANYONE WHO ACCUSES ME OF BEING IGNORANT TO THE RESULT OF MY HISTORICAL CIRCUMSTANCES WHEN I AM THE DIRECT RESULT OF IT AND FULLY AWARE! IT IS IGNORANCE THAT MEN STILL WANDER ABOUT AND ASSUME THAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE LAID SEVERAL WOMEN WITHOUT SINCERE COURTSHIP THAT ALL OF THE ONES WHO WANT COURTSHIP ARE MODERN-DAY "WEE"-MEN. oh pahleeease!

I am not trying to be a man by being a kind of feminist.
I'm more of the woman that I, as a woman, want to be.

I feel like vomitting just when I relay the previous encounters that I've had with a lot of them and I'm absolutely revolted.

Not to say that I'm stuck-up.
I really think I'm tolerant.
But I'm tired.

I'm sick of lay-chasing men!

Strong Future International

Everybody spends a bit of time trying to find a way to make extra money. I must confess to being one of those people who sit in front of the computer and do it. So I was running my eyes over a few evening/weekend job offers on www.gumtree.co.za when I saw a short line in the list reading, "Make Money Online For Free!"
It wasn't the first time that I had read those words. However, I always seem to find myself reading up what information pops up on the screen ater I click the hyperlink. Lo and behold, I always read the words, "Register Now", "Make Money In Minutes" and then I yawn it off and carry on sending out emails to family and friends and reading up random information on Google. Oh yes, and I continue screening the net for career and internship opportunities for when I complete my studies.
This was not a very different scenario but it's taking me a few more hours (spread over days) than usual to find the weak link in the Strong Future International money-making scheme. I know it already sounds bad by just being a money-making scheme but I'm not going to credit it a better title until I know what on earth they keep going on about. All I can tell you is that it has this motivational element about it. I know for a fact that most networking companies go for the motivational approach to get people hooked on their business opportunities. Some of these things work anyways. My dad dabbled in it and made some profits although we would've much preferred the millions that they claim we'll have in a few months.
So I'm not completely cynical about this SFI, but I will not deny my absolute scepticism for this kind of thing, with the internet being such a mean monster and all. It makes money and steals money. I've watched too many movies to try something funny online. Like, how do people do online banking and stuff? Whoo, I will graduate to that level of trust for the internet when I have things to do online that have banking involved.
For now, I'm going read all the spam these SFI people send me until they say, "Make a small investment of...$$$ to make your business flourish", and then I'll block them. In the mean time... they sound like they know I'm sceptical... hahahaha.

For more info visit
http://www.sfi4.com/11030158/FREE

My Elle Notebook

There is a notebook for everything. I like to think and tell myself that nowadays. I don't why. Let's just say that I'm trying to pick up new habits as I go along rather than issue myself a whole lot of new year's resolutions. I can't think of them in one sitting so I might as well do this. So... I have this scribble-my-babble notebook that I love to take everywhere I go: the loo, the movies, Starlite (the so-called 24-hour diner down the street). It has no real narrative. It's just a whole lot of seemingly senseless words, names and lines all over the place. I had an idea that maybe I could write it all down somewhere in the random fashion that I have it in already but just a bit more logical, I guess.

Meeting Bagon in the afternoon. I hope he doesn't say something stupid like, "Ngiyakuthanda, Faith". I'm going to die if he does. Do any of the guys I meet in Cape Town have any other intentions besides bedding me? I know I'm not a particularly fantastic catch in relation to all the fish in the see but for the love of sanity, I am tired of meeting suitors in every man to my left, right and centre. It's bloody ridiculous.

Mom has good news. She sounds happy. Things seem to be sorting themselves out just fine over on the colder side of the world.

Yanga is playing soccer on Wednesday. Yeah, okay I'd be excited to go watch because I have nothing better to do but I would rather be home looking at the walls. Some people just don't get the message. Or they don't give the message. I don't know. Let's not dabble in that now.

Oh yes, then there's the profile: Manager at Woolworth's, may be transferred abroad to run Marks and Spencer. He's originally from East London and attended Dales College in King Williams' Town, Eastern Cape.

Little Bro is set for school. There's no backward-slide in view. I should put together a shopping list.

Oh yes, then the diet regime follows but I never follow it. I try but then I just forget to eat supper before 5 p.m. and I get hungry a day and a half later. I'll go about 16 hours without eating then I feel bad for eating anything because I fear that my body is trapping fat because I eat after a long time. I pump myself with water after buttering one slice of white toast. The guilt consumes me as I contemplate exactly what might happen to the slice of toast. Can't I just stop eating? I love food but I could live without feeling guilty about it all the time. Somebody just take me to the gym! No wait, I can take myself to the gym but I'm too caught up with reading to go. How is it that I haven't lost weight like other people do when they just stop taking sugar and cooldrinks and all that junk. THe closest thing to junk I've had was roasted chicken with mild garlic peri-peri basting on it, a portuguese roll and DIET COKE AND that was a long time ago. I'm getting depressed already because I'm hungry as it is and I'm scared of having a decent cooked meal. I'll google the cabbage soup diet. That's it! Right... I can't fool myself. I still don't understand why I'm fat and yet I hardly eat. I drink morvite for goodness sake! I read all the damn time. Oh it's just depressing.

Starlite (the so-called) 24-hour diner. I meet a very well-dressed charming man named Siyabonga. We shake hands and I commend him on his eccentric taste and ability to still look trendy. He grabs his hat and nods slightly in modest gratitude. How nice! A random good-looking, sensible young man who is not bolstered up by his ego! Siyabonga! Thank you!

dreams

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading lately. I find I've had more time on my hands now than ever before. I'm living in a little cacoon and for once my thoughts have been about me and I've kept theem to myself in this cacoon of mine. For a long time I had nothing to do except to read, write and think. I did't have the money and time to blog for hours on end trying to write something interesting. At some point I decided to call my writing in a journal "ink-blabbling", so I've been "ink-blabbling" my brains out on a daily basis. I thought that was one of the best ways for a young aspiring writer to kill time. If I'm planning to be the writer of novels, I might as well start by getting used to just writing. writing at random did inject some fun into my long days of lounging about in the not-yet-homely flat. I've collected three notebook journals for myself that serve different purposes, of course. One is for recording things that I must note, another is for random rambling on the spot and the other is for dreams, budgets, plans and, basically, mind-mapping. Quite fun though. Ever since I got this blog I've been wondering exactly what to do with it. I made a decision today. It's mine. It's free and it's opportunity to play around while I'm young. So, just as it is in my journal, this blog is the canvass on which I shall reflect. I reckon it's a good way to get practising and anyone who stumbles across the page may enjoy a good laugh or may frown and move on. Does it matter? Not yet.

I've been keeping record of my dreams lately and I figure I can collect them and use them to inspire me to write captivating tales and paint my mind down the page. The pen (and, I guess, the keyboard too, now) is my brush and I shall (try very very hard to) be its faithful student.

drift

Drift Away
Down the river
Towards the sea
Hopelessly I float Into obscurity
Thee anchor of love
That once held me
Has loosed its grip
And silently
I drift away.

Faith

My prayers get jumbled in my mind

Sometimes my mind stands still

Or I just plain don't listen when,

He tells me of His will.But I know that when I need Him most,

He's there with open arms,

Forgiving me for all my sins

And keeping me from harm.

He guides me gently day by day

And gives me graces in His own way.

But I still need to listen more

When He knocks upon my door.

To when He whispers into my mind

Revealing to me, His works so kind.

I know He loves me deep inside

And from Him I cannot hide.

From birth to death,

He'll be with me

Even though I cannot see.

just know that His promises are true.

That's Faith. I believe. Don't you?

fear find no place here

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
we were all meant to shine as children do
its not just in some of us
its in everyone
your playing small does not serve the world
theres nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you
as we are liberated from our own fear
our presence automatically liberates others

NoW PeoPLE

A hip non-conformist who truly stands for his/her beliefs - you are out to make a difference in this world, and you have a realistic chance of success. You have always been self-driven and derive your inspiration from those close to you. Ambitious - and why shouldn't you be - the sky is the limit for you

hang up

sighs upon sighs and time after time spent listening to your voice on the telephone line. somewhere between my mouth and your ears these words fall apart. and the distance that separates us makes me want to wake up tomorrow, because that's one day closer to waking up next to you. the good byes are never final, and we both regret to say them, despite how near the hourhand draws to dawn. i wish i could chart the moments we speak into a constellation and throw them into the night sky, where we both can look and know the feeling is mutual, hearts should change with time.

The L Word

Here I am

Naked

to my fears and failures

But I know this is true...

Jesus wept for me and for you.

forget the politics.

Nobody is perfect.

one Day I'll Sing it ToO

There was a boy

A very strange enchanted boy

They say he wandered very far, very far

Over land and sea

A little shy

And sad of eye

But very wise

Was he

And then one day

A magic day he passed my way

And while we spoke of many things,

fools and kings

This he said to me

"The greatest thing

You'll ever learn

Is just to love

And be loved

In return"

Pretty words that I like to hear

All the things Ive done before this

They dont mean a thing

And all the words spoken before this

Wont be said again

Suddenly so much of me has

No need 2 pretend

Cause theres nothin like the truth

To bring her back to u

And everyone Ive met before this

Aint seen me with u

Youre the only one who knows what I go through

Sometime u feel it even more than me

And I dont know how I ever got by without u

Theres nothing like the truth

And Ive got nothin left 2 lose

And every night I thank the universe that I found u

And I dont have 2 wonder

What the world thinks about me

I know youre in my corner

Youre always surrounding me

With your love

And if we all explode

See we would never know

But I just hope the pieces of my soul

Reach out 2 u

2 find my angel

Cliff Razor

I stand at the edge

Tipping over

Sipping the rush of fear

Through my eyes as I stare

into the distant danger

that lies at the bottom of my heart

The edge so sharp whistles

agaisnt the wind you breath into my ears

when you speak

I am consumed by thoughts

of fears once felt

at the exchange of risk for injury

I stand at the edge

peering over at the vastness

of God's creation

and his masterful pieces of me

I stand fearful and fearless

I stand on the line not beyond or before

I lie on the flatness of the cutting egde

I bleed fear onto the cliff of risk

I stand on the cliff razor of my heart

when you stare into my dark soul

and still speak to say you love me

Jack and his mistress: The slave

When we squint back into the days of our forefathers there is a story that has been told and told again.

There is a story about Jack and Azania.

Jack was a man and Azania was his slave.

Jack had many servants and many more slaves.

He came

She followed

He saw

She saw too

He came once more

She followed his trail

He took Azania on a voyage across the Atlantic sea

She built a sea of ships with her bare hands

He showed Azania how super powerful he was

She discovered that she made Jack super powerful

He gave Azania many names and put her into many more boxes

She took her many names and stood proud as an

animal ready to pounce on whomever beckoned a tongue

to call her by it

He stripped Azania from her roots and taught her to sing like birds and not beasts

She whistled whispers to the trees and howled to the

moon by night

He whipped Azania sometimes

She is reminded of what Jack did by the scars that line

her back

He punished her for breathing too much or too little when she bent her back to serve him and his guests

She breathes for no man but herself but she still breaks her

back serving him, his guests and her own

He let them come after he came too

She is raped by him and them and her brothers

He covered her in tar

She covers herself in tar for his pleasure and his pennies

He hung her from his trees to display her strength as a beast and a beauty

She hangs herself because she sees no beauty in the beast

of life

He burnt her alive

She burns him in her dreams and nightmares

He crucified her over and over in the name of his power

She prays to his saviour every day

Banishing Thorns

Walking so freely and fearlessly through the replicas of Eden in our imaginations. Smelling the scent of all the exotic flowers of the world. See how they blossom to seemingly smile at you, look at you, be with you. Life follows after you with the breeze that whistles away the tunes of yesterdays long lost. Buried beneath your feet is history in secrecy. Poison saturates the defenses of the beauty. Creatures crawl relaxed and yet aware of you. Serpents hiss and birds do sing. It's all God's creation and you see how it is a majestic and lovely thing. And you feel the moist earth covered in a carpet of grass. Thick and healthy, green and shiny grass that stretches ahead as far as the naked eye can see in daylight. The clouds seem to swell and the sun shines as well. Laughter cackles through the bush. Music chimes in the woods. Skin is alive with the touch of water and oil. Voices echo in the caves behind cascading waterfalls. The heel touches the stone and the toes dig in the soil and the arch of your sole seems to snap as a thorn pricks you back into reality where it is natural to wear shoes. Reality, where it is natural to be unnatural. Thorns prick you just when you least expect them so you avoid them and never feel the beauty of Edens that we were banished from.

Sad Sweet

Sadness leave this place and take me to eternity. Take me to an eternity of beautiful smiles and gentle friendly waves. Waves of goodbye and hello that have washed onto the shore of your life and mine. Life so continuous, continuously it goes on and it is ongoing like a lalaby to a baby on a rocking chair in the lap of a mother. Continuously going and ongoing in the liquid momentum that fluidly fills the emptiness of my heart. My heart that is now full of sadness. Sadness, come away from this place. This place in my heart where I rest only in death. Death, where I found you and felt you kill and take away from this heart of mine. Mine is the life where sadness and happiness romance each other to make pleasant memories. Aching memories of this life make me feel alive before they take me away to death where even memories of sadness will not matter. Matter now, oh Sadness, but matter no more than you will when I am gone with you. You be happy after your sadness but do not let sadness stay too long.

Purple Incense

Make me numb

Take me away

freeze my thoughts

Preserve my mind

Fly with me

Make me numb

Comfort zones

I am so comfortable.

I am comfortable enough to keep showing you love. I am not so comfortable with making you feel uncomfortable. I am not so comfortable that I would knowingly give you reason to ask and tell me, "Why, Baby, why don't you call me anymore?"

I am so comfortable.

I am comfortable enough to love loving you instead of getteing over you.

I am comfortable in you with you, not without you.

I am comfortable with the idea of getting comfortable with you.

I want to comfort you and be with you. I shall never discomfort you.

I want you. I'm comfortable only when I'm with you.

How is it then, that when you are comfortable, you're happy

to leave me when you go have beers with the boys and flirt with the

girls? How is it then, that you see no need to open the door for me, hold

me and walk with me for hours like we used to do?

Did you say you got comfortable?

crush

A crush: the feeling you experience when you know you cannot have someone but you can be with them.

Being around them, whether they notice or not, has an intense effect on you: Your palms sweat; Your eyes glisten; Your heart races; Your mouth dries up.

It feels like the world is not real and you see purple clay in the earth; reddish navy nights and redder moons. You see sights that can be found but they seem totally unreal.

Yet, they are real and they are so real

that they crush into you.

You have a crush on someone you love.

That person still gives you butterflies.

Permanent butterflies.

You have have a crush on someone that you love.

Sounds

i am a lover of sounds

mouthed words

sounds sung

soothing

soothing the rhythm in the beat of your sound on repeat

repeat repeat the beat

i am a lover of sounds

sounds that break through the ground

it is ground breaking

only because we hear it

hear it

but even the deaf love sound that vibrates passed the quiet stiffened ear

the sound that is picked up by the sense of touch

touching you through the air

the touch of sound

the sound of touch

it is touching to thought

i am a lover of sounds

sounds of a lover

from one to another